Monday, May 30

A Manic Appetite

I can't even explain the state of exhaustion I have been in lately. Never in my life, have I had to will myself so much, to do so little. All I know, is every fiber of my being, was screaming to be shut down... I reluctantly listened, hit the 'detach and retreat' button, and shut down I did. Now, with a clearer mind and some talk therapy with a friend, the reasoning for this overwhelming urge to disengage, is a bit more clear, preventative tactics acquired, but necessary self preservations reaction harnessed.  That is neither here, nor there, bottom line, I've snapped out of whatever energy lacking, motivation stunted phase I was in and am back.

{Poor Joser didn't fair too well in the fight against the black flies}

The downtime of extra long snuggles from sleepy babies, just-one-more episode of mindless, guilty pleasure TV, complete avoidance of anything exercise related and uninspiring dinners consumed, has made me miss the me in my normal state...I'm glad to be back in my impulsive uptime, appreciating the easy that comes with the everyday efforts and my attempts to do it all skewed reality.

You know when you get the flu, and you can't eat for days, you don't want to eat, you don't think to eat, and you're willingness to put toward an effort to try to eat is lackluster. Then you wake up one morning, perfectly fine and you know, you should ease back into the whole food consumption thing, a small cup of soup with a few starches or carbs, but those mozzarella sticks sound divine and you're pretty sure that hamburger in the refrigerator just asked you politely to make it into a perfectly seasoned patty, and would be more than insulted if it wasn't fried up with onions, smothered in cheese, accented with ketchup, pillow between two fluffy buns and devoured in a manner that would suggest it was the first food you've eaten in days ….. and you do…. and you're happy you did… and you now have this appreciation for the fact that you can, without having to conjure up anything more, than a will that came from an uninhibited want.

My daily hunger is refueled and expected to be satisfied by night's fall, on any other day, this would be achieved, but right now, I'm starving, in every way. Goals zoned, food inspired, tasks keen, creatively eager, and life diligent, all wrapped up in an antsy manic undirected form of Me, and the timing is as good as any to glutinously indulge my unharnessed self, seeing as there is a first birthday party fast approaching.

Wednesday, May 25

Sunny Day, Gloomy Mood

The sun was out today and we were in it. I've got to admit, I was a little selfish today, putting "because the sun is finally out," want to do's, above, "because the sun is finally out," need to do's, and I'm going to regret it as soon as the rain starts to drizzle and the sun shrinks, once again, behind those darkening clouds.

Though the day was ceased, rays of sun loved, endured, and encouraged, tonight I miss the rain, because tonight my mood suits it. With all the excited giggles from extra high under-dogs and more than my share of grass stained bare feet kissed, I'm left with the gnawing worries, that come with having a growing 8 year old boy.

Lately, Wesley has been pushing things, testing all limits, and questioning every authoritative decision. Where Calvin is getting older, I encourage when he now questions things to understand the cause and effect, and am disgruntled when Wesley questions, everything, simply to challenge …everything... and I'm left feeling guilty at the end of the day, because my patience for the latter leaves much to be desired. 

With the stand of defiance in the middle of the grocery store, the snappy comebacks under the breath, and snarky bravery that presents itself around friends, all my "it is, what it is" sanity is quickly forgotten, lost, is the simple consequence to your actions and dismissed rebuttals with a simple "because I'm your Mother" statement.

In that woman's place, is a sarcastic, over talker, who tries to reason, while reminding herself and her son of her own authority, with unrealistic punishments threatened, followed by I'm sorries from both sides and a long monolog on why, "we just can't act that way" is delivered.

I find no comfort in the encouragement of other's "we've all been there", "this too shall pass", or "it's just a phase" because as much as those statements are true, I don't want this phase to leave before I've figured out the best way to approach it, handle it, and bring a flourishing Wesley out of it… simultaneously, blooming a better me.


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